Psychologist Eduardo Santos
Help for Those Experiencing Relationship boundaries with abandonment trauma
Complete guide with signs, consequences, and paths to healing
Boundaries in relationships are not walls — they are the guidelines that define where you end and another person begins. They communicate your values, your limits, and what you need to feel safe and respected in a relationship. Without them, relationships tend toward either enmeshment (where individual identities merge and are lost) or conflict (where the absence of limits creates ongoing friction and resentment).
Setting and maintaining limits is an act of self-respect and of respect for the other person. When you have clear limits, others know where you stand. When you do not, the relationship is navigated by guesswork, assumption, and accumulated resentment.
Limits are particularly difficult for people who grew up in families where their limits were not respected, or where having needs was treated as selfish or burdensome.
Signs of relationship boundaries with abandonment trauma
- !You regularly agree to things you do not want to do because saying no feels too difficult or too risky
- !You feel resentment building in relationships — a sign that your limits are being violated (often with your own permission)
- !You have difficulty knowing what your actual limits are — you tend to discover them after they have been crossed
- !You apologize for having needs or for asserting yourself
- !Others regularly override your stated preferences without consequence
- !You feel responsible for managing other people's feelings about your limits
What to Do
- 1Identify your limits: what are your non-negotiables? What feels wrong when it is crossed? Start there
- 2Communicate limits clearly and simply: 'I am not comfortable with X' — no lengthy justification needed
- 3Maintain limits when they are tested: a limit that is not maintained when challenged is not a limit
- 4Understand that other people's discomfort with your limits is their responsibility, not yours
- 5Practice with lower-stakes situations first — build your limits-setting capacity gradually
Develop Your Emotional Superpowers
Psychologist Eduardo Santos' complete method.
Psychological Impact
Poor limits are among the most common roots of relationship dysfunction. When you do not have or maintain clear limits, you are at significantly greater risk of remaining in abusive or toxic relationships, experiencing burnout from over-giving, and losing your sense of individual identity within relationships.
The practice of setting limits is also the practice of knowing yourself — it requires understanding what you value, what you need, and what is non-negotiable. This self-knowledge is the foundation of every healthy relationship.
⚡When to Seek Professional Help
If you struggle significantly with setting or maintaining limits, therapy — particularly approaches like CBT or DBT — can help you understand the roots of this difficulty and build practical skills. This work has profound positive effects on every area of your life.
“Limits are not about keeping people out — they are about letting the right people in on your terms.”
— Psychologist Eduardo Santos
Develop Your Emotional Superpowers
In the e-book Superpowers Against Abusive Relationships, Psychologist Eduardo Santos teaches how to transform self-esteem and self-confidence into tools of protection and liberation.
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Frequently Asked Questions
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Psychologist Eduardo Santos
Clinical psychologist focused on emotional health, relationships, and self-esteem. 149 five-star ratings on Doctoralia. Author of Superpowers Against Abusive Relationships.
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